Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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