I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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