I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize