so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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