I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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