i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
