good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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