he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
even my farts smell like vagina
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
