Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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