So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
