You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
