Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
