I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Watching her eat just hurts me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
