So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How external is "for external use only"?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
