whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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