All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
