That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
