I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize