Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
