Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
