if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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