So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
