how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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