I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
