the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
