Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
