Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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