Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
