He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
