I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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