is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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