I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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