my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
