R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize