I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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