Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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