Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think I won the penis lottery.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
