you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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