Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
