So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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