Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
