This is not my ceiling
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
