I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
