I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize