I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
