I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
