Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In America we eat man semen.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
