he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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