the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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