wanna go halves on a baby?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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