Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
