i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
